Thud thud; goes his feet, thud thud goes his heart.
The eyes of kneeling men seem to question him,
what are you running from? where are you running to?
Some look at him as if to say I wish I could run; some look as if to say I ran once...what a fool.
But yet he runs regardless; he runs from their questions and from his own.
Thud thud; goes his feet, thud thud goes his heart.
For this short run he gives into his insanity in a world full of madness; he is free.
He can hardly breathe and he can hardly see, but he longs for this short taste of freedom.
He can no longer feel the warmth of the sun when it breaks through onto his back
he can no longer hear the sweet call of the birds or the cool and gentle embrace of the rain in his face and on his tongue
Thud thud; goes his feet, thud thud goes his heart.
Many a time before a fellow runner he sought; but never had one been able to keep to his pace.
Some fell behind, some ran on and some would not run at all.
The path bends and weaves yet he does not stray; it stretches further than the eye can see and yet he does not surrender.
He knows that this is the path he must run like so many others; yet he knows he cannot run much longer.
Thud thud thud go his feet; thud thud...thud goes his heart.
Dazed he hears no more, tired he sees no more, he wonders from the path falling upon a new path in the undergrowth untreaded by him before.
Here he finds a great silence, a wonderful nothingness, a true freedom. Is this the path he longed to run?







Devious Comments
--
...in bed.
--
'Kings will find armies; and the world men.'
Please view my poetry on: [link]
Then read yours aloud to yourself again. I understand what you're going for but remember,
Poem n.
1. a composition in verse, esp. one that is characterized by a highly developed artistic form and by the use of heightened language and rhythm to express an intensely imaginative interpretation of the subject.
2. composition that, though not in verse, is characterized by great beauty of language or expression
You want definition two. It doesnt have to be in verse, but to be a good poem it need that beauty of expression.
Thud thud; goes his feet, thud thud goes his heart.
'goes his feet' the proper way is 'go his feet'
Why do all of the other stanzas have only two thuds? I'd like to understand why because the change is so subtle.
That's really all I can come up with rightnow. You've got a good idea, but the way you express it needs work. I can't tell you how though, I'm not that great at poem crit.
--
One day I will own a scalpel
and there is nothing you can do about it.
Support the Community- dA Scholarship
--
'Kings will find armies; and the world men.'
Please view my poetry on: [link]
--
One day I will own a scalpel
and there is nothing you can do about it.
Support the Community- dA Scholarship
--
Please visit my
You can't run with the big dogs
--
The little devil on everyone's shoulder.
--
'Kings will find armies; and the world men.'
Please view my poetry on: [link]
Previous PageNext Page